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Once he retires, he’ll show up at some grand opening of a Planet Fitness and say, “This nation needs to heal” and every American with shitty taste will be like HE’S RUNNING! And he won’t. So Tom Brady ain’t gonna be a senator, or even a state senator. The fantasy of running for office is always better than the reality. Otherwise, you end up despised like Trump, disgraced like Schwarzenegger, or dead like Sonny Bono.

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To that end, it’s always better to be like Clooney and go “sorry to disappoint you guys” to your slobbering fans anytime they start daydreaming about you magically fixing the tax code with your suave manner and underestimated intellect.

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So it’s not like that job is much fun these days, either All I ever want to do in my spare time is yell at our senators, because they’re all scum. Being just a senator might sound more enjoyable, but every American now knows that the Senate should be stuffed down a fucking garbage disposal.

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And with good reason: The job blows, especially if you don’t know how to do it. I know we just lived through four years of Donald Trump forced to actually serve as President after running in 2016 as a goof, but no other celebrity ENVIED Trump after he finally got the job. The second you start actually running, that love fades and you become just another shitbag. As long as people HOPE you run for office, you’re an ideal candidate.

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Young Sheldon Rock sounds like a true piece of shit designed to be a campaign trial balloon. “If this is what the people want, then I will do that.” He adds, “If the time comes where there is a good amount of people who want to see that happen, then I’m going to consider it.” “I have a goal, and an interest and an ambition to unite our country,” says Johnson, who is fictionally running for president in 2032 on the show Young Rock. George Clooney was a boomer liberal wet dream who got the same treatment and was like, “Well gee, I’d love to become President and save America but I’ve just fucked WAY too many models for people to be able to relate to me.” And then there’s The Rock, who has taken political cockteasing to new, unexplored dimensions: Back when he hosted The Daily Show, people BEGGED Jon Stewart to run for President, and he ate that shit up. This has been a whole genre of celebrity for decades now. After he retires at age 62, Tom Brady will become one of those dudes who loves being ASKED to run for public office but never actually does. If, and when, he becomes a senator, will he eventually run for president? It’s a prestigious, high-profile job that doesn’t require a lot of effort or mental energy. Will Tom Brady run for office when his playing career is over? If “yes,” what will he run for? I’m betting Republican senator from Florida. HAPPY SENATORS WEEK! I hereby declare to the chamber that these are … your letters: Today, we’re talking about the Texans, oven mitts, weird instruments, and SENATORS. And buy Drew’s novel, Point B, while you’re at it. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag.














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